Rita’s Water Ice

Ambler, PA

Swedish Fish Italian Ice, kid’s size. $1.25 I think?

Mention wooder ice to anyone outside of Philadelphia and the following conversation ensues:

“Water ice? What’s that? Do you mean ice water?”

“No, it’s like… flavored ice that’s blended…”

“Oh like a sno cone?”

“No, sno cones are chunks of ice that have syrup on the top. It has a smoother consistency…”

“Oh like a smoothie?”

“No it’s icy and it doesn’t have yogurt or ice cream or anything creamy in it. It’s usually fruit flavored.”

“Wait so it’s not like a sno cone? So what’s water ice?”

It’s hard to explain to outsiders, but growing up in a suburb of Philadelphia, wooder ice (or “water ice”, or even “Italian ice” if you’re especially pedestrian) was always an essential part of the summer. We’d ride bikes for approximately five minutes, get pretty tired and sweaty since we were some chunky puppies, and need to be cooled down. Water ice was always a favorite option because it wasn’t messy and had a tendency to be more refreshing than cream-based ice treats (I can’t think of any examples of those at the moment but it’ll come to me). There were many smaller, Mom + Pop water ice places that bested the franchises in terms of taste and price, but for convenience and flavor variety, Rita’s has always been the go-to place.

Recently Rita’s started advertising their new Swedish Fish Italian Ice on Facebook, and it seemed to be a well-placed gimmick because they got the attention of their target market extremely effectively.  In between updates consisting of the “What zodiac sign wuld u be if u didnt already have a zodiac sign”, “is ur favrite singer lady gaga”, and “what sex poisitin u” quiz results (THANKS, MOM), I saw many a status update talking about the new ice flavor. How, really, could water ice taste like Swedish Fish?

This morning my Associate Taste Tester Phil and I decided to give it a try, and we wondered if we should just get a sample first in case it was really gross. That question was answered for us by the extremely upbeat cashier, who immediately offered us a spoonful without us even prompting her to. It was relatively inoffensive, so we each ordered a kid’s size of it.

My first impression was that it somehow had an element of waxiness that Swedish Fish candy has, and that impressed me. It’s odd, but that waxy flavor is an integral part of the taste experience when eating Swedish Fish. It also had that primary flavor, the ambiguous floral-and-probably-cherry. It was far too sweet, however, and even a kid’s size was overwhelming. By the end of it I felt nauseous, but I guess it succeeded in its goal of being a water ice that tastes like Swedish Fish.

After purchasing the water ice, the cashier gave me a free sachet of Swedish Fish candy (just one– Phil didn’t get any!) What I realized– what I actually knew all along, in fact, was that Swedish Fish are mostly good because of their chewiness and because you can pretend like they are being carried by a tidal wave into your mouth. When you do that with water ice, it’s just stupid and it doesn’t make any sense.

2 out of 6 burgers

A Review of Last House on the Left (2009)

By T J Burgers

As a fan of the original Last House, directed by Wes Craven, I felt that it was somehow my duty to seek out and watch this undoubtedly horrible remake. Wait, let me back up for a second. Maybe I shouldn’t have referred to myself as a “fan” of the original. I mean, that was a pretty fucked up movie guys. A “fan” implies a certain level of enjoyment that I’m not entirely comfortable with people knowing that I experienced while watching what amounted to constant emotional and physical brutality set to the tune of utterly inappropriate banjo ditties. So let’s try this again.

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As a burger doctor, it’s my job and duty to evaluate healthful beverages to accompany our burger meals. My number one comfort in life is not really red meat, despite what this website would have you believe. I have always found deep respite and relaxation in a delicious cup of tea. However, “Lovelytea.com” sounds like a website for old ladies or insufferably twee young ladies, the kind who mistakenly believe that it’s not obnoxious to knit in public. Stop knitting in public, old ladies.

Ha ha just kidding. Please make me some socks. It’s the young ladies who need to stop. They are never making me some socks.

Since I am not busy pretending to knit in public, I found the time to take a break from my usual super-strong Assam to try out some Cranberry Ginger Green Tea.

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“The Wrestler”

dir. by Darren Aronofsky

review by Dave V Burgers

I’m not going to jerk myself off in verbosity. I’m not going to impress anyone with my writing ability. I’m not going to turn this into a study of false emotional nuance and romanticism by creating things that don’t actually exist in the movie like a lot of critics do. If that’s what you are looking for go listen to NPR with a red rose sticking out of your ass.

“This is a harrowing tale of…” – umm – this is a harrowing tale of shut the fuck up!

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Red Robin

Langhorne, PA

$10.95

I had never been to a Red Robin because I had only seen them in Hershey, PA, the land of Terrible Chocolate, but I was intrigued by its gaudy, bright red decor and that it claimed to purvey GOURMET BURGERS AND SPIRITS. Luckily, I had the opportunity to eat’n'review before going all the way to Neshaminy to see the Watchmen movie. I sort of wanted to try the Burnin’ Love Burger but there is no way in hell I am asking anyone for a Burnin’ Love Burger. I didn’t order Moons Over My Hammy the one time I’ve been to a Denny’s since they cleaned them out of Pennsylvania, and I don’t use any of the various sizing systems ridiculous trendy eateries try to trick me into using. You will never hear me asking for a size “Gotta Have It” vanilla ice cream, so don’t even try, Coldstone. This is definitely something I should be telling the whole internet!: I have a weak digestive system so instead of risking Burnin’ Love in the middle of Watchmen, I opted for the Bruschetta Chicken Burger.

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I got farther into “Two Girls One Cup” than I did into this music video.

And the music from Two Girls was better.

0/6 Burgers

Arnold’s Way
Lansdale, PA
Raw “Pizza” w/ avocado: 7.95
Raw Raspberry “Cheesecake”- ~$5
Raw “Chocolate” “Mouse” Pie ~$5
Banana Whip- $2.95

When you first walk into Arnold’s Way, you are greeted by two things: an image of a young man labeled “Arnold at 18- 44 years ago!!” and Arnold himself. Perhaps this is a testament to the raw diet he so vehemently supports and shills, but dude does not look much older than 40. There are other posters and articles plastered all over the store, one of which was a news article about an employee of the cafe who used to be a fat opera singer who lost weight by becoming a raw chef. The initial good feeling I had about the cafe faded because who the hell wants an opera singer who isn’t fat?

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Anybody who knows the Lady Doctor Burgers knows she loves two things: 1. talking in third person, and 2. drinking tea. She often gets tired of the first, but never of the second.

One of her– ok I’m tired of this shit– one of MY favorite varieties of tea is Thai iced tea, specifically the magnificently tasty kind you get in Thai restaurants that are hyper-sweetened and you have to stir the evaporated milk mixture in at the top. You know what I’m talking about, right? I’ve often expressed interest to others about making it at home, have researched the methods, but have never found the means to successfully recreate the experience at home.

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American Star Diner in Lansdale, PA
Turkey Burger Deluxe – $6.75

I’ve once before ordered a turkey burger in a diner, and was disappointed, but I figured I’d try again at American Star because you just have to trust something that is so American.

I thought about ordering a milkshake but I realized I was going to eat some burger and fries and could not also eat a milkshake. I know that I ate burger, fries, milkshake and cake at the same time regularly from 2002 to 2004.  I will remember September 17, 2006 forever as the day I acknowledged defeat after a two-year battle waged by the combined forces of every kind of fat. I just can’t cram them all in any more. I apologize to the readers of lovelyburger.com.

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American Star Diner in North Wales, PA
Cheddar Cheese and Mushroom Burger- $4.50

After a disappointing trip to the Blue Bell Diner where we learned that it is under new management, management that LIES about the hours of the establishment without remorse or apology, we headed to to the American Star.

Our waiter was checking out my sister. That’s sleazy. Also, he didn’t ask us how we wanted our burgers cooked. So for service that’s a 2 out of 6 burgers.

The burger itself had melty cheese, but I expected to be a sharper cheddar. It didn’t say on the menu that it’d be sharp but we all know sharp cheddar is the only cheddar worth having. It was cooked well enough and it came with lettuce, onions, and tomatoes on the side. I thought I liked the fries but then I thought, “This must be like what human fat tastes like” because it was so over-fried and greasy. That wasn’t a rational thought, but after that I couldn’t finish my burger.

The mushrooms were really good.
I give the burger 3 out of 6 burgers.