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Late Night Allnighter Cheeseburger Doritos
by Constable Aaron Burgers, author of “Shnoo the Hell Is Going On Hnaa”
Choosing snacks is a big deal to me. On the one hand, I have an adventurous, some would say reckless, mouth-hole and I like to try new things. On the other hand, there is nothing worse than getting home only to learn that your new snack is gross, and you have to eat it all anyway because you don’t want to be a wasteful jerk. I’m personally partial to multi-tasking snacks, such as those wasabi-coated peanuts that are delicious and cure sinus infections, or pork rinds, which are delicious and also a potent anti-hangover agent (trust me). It was this partiality that led me to make a horribly, horribly inaccurate prediction: “Even if these cheeseburger flavored Doritos are gross, at least I can review them for Maryburger’s website.”
This prediction was wildly inaccurate because yes, they are gross, but no, I can’t properly review them for Maryburger’s website. They are so gross that the only way I could accurately describe them is to use such a constant stream of profanity and genital-related metaphors that, should Maryburger, her moms, or any of her mean ole sisters read it, I would never again be invited into the burger household. Even if I could use every obscene and filthy simile in my arsenal, I’m not sure I’d really be able to convey how I feel about these so-called chips.
I guess technically they’re called All Nighter Late Night Cheeseburger Doritos, or some damn thing, which clearly means that the Dorito’s people are in some sort of adjective arms race with the people that make Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper.
This is one of many Dorito “Late Night” flavors, such as Jalapeno Cat Poop and Xtreme Hobo Vomit. None of them are good, partially because they haven’t made the most obvious one (mozzarella stick Doritos.)
These abominations are called “Late Night” to confuse people with an inaccurate understanding of cause and effect: These chips are called “Late Night.” Parties generally occur late at night. Therefore, these chips must be a party. What these poor devils forget is that, yes, there are many parties late at night, however, at many of these parties, someone drinks too much and pees in your closet. And when you’re eating Doritos, your closet is your mouth. Eating cheeseburger Doritos is like having someone pee in your mouth, only worse, because you can’t videotape it and turn it into a meme.
Before I talk about flavor, I guess I should mention some of the things that cheeseburger Doritos do right. For instance… they come in a bag? Which is pretty good, but sort of de rigeur for snacks these days. But the bag sure does hold them in there, I guess. And they have that same general Dorito texture, that sort of deep fried corn paste that cracks open your fillings. So A++ for that.
Anyway. Onto the taste. What would a cheeseburger flavored chip taste like, I hear you ask? Cheese? Burger? I can see why you would think that, you ignoramus. Oh no. Cheeseburger chips taste like pickles. When I say that they taste like pickles, this might seem like a good thing, since pickles are pretty awesome. Except that these are chips, and chips should not taste like pickles. Especially if they’re advertised as tasting like burgers.
Normally, pickles are made by putting cucumbers in brine and letting them cure. I assume that the Doritos people tried putting these pickles on chips and it didn’t work. So instead they took some cucumbers and shoved them inside the gall bladders of leperous walruses, and those worked out fine. Because when I say that these chips taste like pickles, what I mean is that these chips taste like pickles that were brined inside the urinary tract of diseased Arctic fatslugs.
I should also mention that if you are a human being and you eat these, the suffering will not end at the taste. During my ‘research’ for this ‘article’ I ate a bag over the course of four days. That means that, for four days, I didn’t poop correctly. Because of these cheeseburger Doritos, I gained seven pounds in less than a week. I lost those seven pounds in less than two minutes.
Suffice it to say that these things are the worst. Eating Late Night All Nighter Cheeseburger Doritos is like someone urinating in your mouth, and their urine tastes like fresh-from-the-walrus pickles. They get one half of one burgers out of a possible six, and if anyone ever tells you they are good, they are probably a plumber that is trying to drum up business by tricking you into wrecking your toilet.
1/2 out of 6 burgers
Rita’s Water Ice
Ambler, PA
Swedish Fish Italian Ice, kid’s size. $1.25 I think?
Mention wooder ice to anyone outside of Philadelphia and the following conversation ensues:
“Water ice? What’s that? Do you mean ice water?”
“No, it’s like… flavored ice that’s blended…”
“Oh like a sno cone?”
“No, sno cones are chunks of ice that have syrup on the top. It has a smoother consistency…”
“Oh like a smoothie?”
“No it’s icy and it doesn’t have yogurt or ice cream or anything creamy in it. It’s usually fruit flavored.”
“Wait so it’s not like a sno cone? So what’s water ice?”
It’s hard to explain to outsiders, but growing up in a suburb of Philadelphia, wooder ice (or “water ice”, or even “Italian ice” if you’re especially pedestrian) was always an essential part of the summer. We’d ride bikes for approximately five minutes, get pretty tired and sweaty since we were some chunky puppies, and need to be cooled down. Water ice was always a favorite option because it wasn’t messy and had a tendency to be more refreshing than cream-based ice treats (I can’t think of any examples of those at the moment but it’ll come to me). There were many smaller, Mom + Pop water ice places that bested the franchises in terms of taste and price, but for convenience and flavor variety, Rita’s has always been the go-to place.
Recently Rita’s started advertising their new Swedish Fish Italian Ice on Facebook, and it seemed to be a well-placed gimmick because they got the attention of their target market extremely effectively. In between updates consisting of the “What zodiac sign wuld u be if u didnt already have a zodiac sign”, “is ur favrite singer lady gaga”, and “what sex poisitin u” quiz results (THANKS, MOM), I saw many a status update talking about the new ice flavor. How, really, could water ice taste like Swedish Fish?
This morning my Associate Taste Tester Phil and I decided to give it a try, and we wondered if we should just get a sample first in case it was really gross. That question was answered for us by the extremely upbeat cashier, who immediately offered us a spoonful without us even prompting her to. It was relatively inoffensive, so we each ordered a kid’s size of it.
My first impression was that it somehow had an element of waxiness that Swedish Fish candy has, and that impressed me. It’s odd, but that waxy flavor is an integral part of the taste experience when eating Swedish Fish. It also had that primary flavor, the ambiguous floral-and-probably-cherry. It was far too sweet, however, and even a kid’s size was overwhelming. By the end of it I felt nauseous, but I guess it succeeded in its goal of being a water ice that tastes like Swedish Fish.
After purchasing the water ice, the cashier gave me a free sachet of Swedish Fish candy (just one– Phil didn’t get any!) What I realized– what I actually knew all along, in fact, was that Swedish Fish are mostly good because of their chewiness and because you can pretend like they are being carried by a tidal wave into your mouth. When you do that with water ice, it’s just stupid and it doesn’t make any sense.
2 out of 6 burgers
A Review of Last House on the Left (2009)
By T J Burgers
As a fan of the original Last House, directed by Wes Craven, I felt that it was somehow my duty to seek out and watch this undoubtedly horrible remake. Wait, let me back up for a second. Maybe I shouldn’t have referred to myself as a “fan” of the original. I mean, that was a pretty fucked up movie guys. A “fan” implies a certain level of enjoyment that I’m not entirely comfortable with people knowing that I experienced while watching what amounted to constant emotional and physical brutality set to the tune of utterly inappropriate banjo ditties. So let’s try this again.
Read the rest of this entry »
As a burger doctor, it’s my job and duty to evaluate healthful beverages to accompany our burger meals. My number one comfort in life is not really red meat, despite what this website would have you believe. I have always found deep respite and relaxation in a delicious cup of tea. However, “Lovelytea.com” sounds like a website for old ladies or insufferably twee young ladies, the kind who mistakenly believe that it’s not obnoxious to knit in public. Stop knitting in public, old ladies.
Ha ha just kidding. Please make me some socks. It’s the young ladies who need to stop. They are never making me some socks.
Since I am not busy pretending to knit in public, I found the time to take a break from my usual super-strong Assam to try out some Cranberry Ginger Green Tea.
“The Wrestler”
dir. by Darren Aronofsky
review by Dave V Burgers
I’m not going to jerk myself off in verbosity. I’m not going to impress anyone with my writing ability. I’m not going to turn this into a study of false emotional nuance and romanticism by creating things that don’t actually exist in the movie like a lot of critics do. If that’s what you are looking for go listen to NPR with a red rose sticking out of your ass.
“This is a harrowing tale of…” – umm – this is a harrowing tale of shut the fuck up!
Red Robin
Langhorne, PA
$10.95
I had never been to a Red Robin because I had only seen them in Hershey, PA, the land of Terrible Chocolate, but I was intrigued by its gaudy, bright red decor and that it claimed to purvey GOURMET BURGERS AND SPIRITS. Luckily, I had the opportunity to eat’n'review before going all the way to Neshaminy to see the Watchmen movie. I sort of wanted to try the Burnin’ Love Burger but there is no way in hell I am asking anyone for a Burnin’ Love Burger. I didn’t order Moons Over My Hammy the one time I’ve been to a Denny’s since they cleaned them out of Pennsylvania, and I don’t use any of the various sizing systems ridiculous trendy eateries try to trick me into using. You will never hear me asking for a size “Gotta Have It” vanilla ice cream, so don’t even try, Coldstone. This is definitely something I should be telling the whole internet!: I have a weak digestive system so instead of risking Burnin’ Love in the middle of Watchmen, I opted for the Bruschetta Chicken Burger.
I got farther into “Two Girls One Cup” than I did into this music video.
And the music from Two Girls was better.
0/6 Burgers
Arnold’s Way Lansdale, PA Raw “Pizza” w/ avocado: 7.95 Raw Raspberry “Cheesecake”- ~$5 Raw “Chocolate” “Mouse” Pie ~$5 Banana Whip- $2.95
When you first walk into Arnold’s Way, you are greeted by two things: an image of a young man labeled “Arnold at 18- 44 years ago!!” and Arnold himself. Perhaps this is a testament to the raw diet he so vehemently supports and shills, but dude does not look much older than 40. There are other posters and articles plastered all over the store, one of which was a news article about an employee of the cafe who used to be a fat opera singer who lost weight by becoming a raw chef. The initial good feeling I had about the cafe faded because who the hell wants an opera singer who isn’t fat?
Anybody who knows the Lady Doctor Burgers knows she loves two things: 1. talking in third person, and 2. drinking tea. She often gets tired of the first, but never of the second.
One of her– ok I’m tired of this shit– one of MY favorite varieties of tea is Thai iced tea, specifically the magnificently tasty kind you get in Thai restaurants that are hyper-sweetened and you have to stir the evaporated milk mixture in at the top. You know what I’m talking about, right? I’ve often expressed interest to others about making it at home, have researched the methods, but have never found the means to successfully recreate the experience at home.
American Star Diner in Lansdale, PA Turkey Burger Deluxe – $6.75
I’ve once before ordered a turkey burger in a diner, and was disappointed, but I figured I’d try again at American Star because you just have to trust something that is so American.
I thought about ordering a milkshake but I realized I was going to eat some burger and fries and could not also eat a milkshake. I know that I ate burger, fries, milkshake and cake at the same time regularly from 2002 to 2004. I will remember September 17, 2006 forever as the day I acknowledged defeat after a two-year battle waged by the combined forces of every kind of fat. I just can’t cram them all in any more. I apologize to the readers of lovelyburger.com.
