A Review of Last House on the Left (2009)

By T J Burgers

As a fan of the original Last House, directed by Wes Craven, I felt that it was somehow my duty to seek out and watch this undoubtedly horrible remake. Wait, let me back up for a second. Maybe I shouldn’t have referred to myself as a “fan” of the original. I mean, that was a pretty fucked up movie guys. A “fan” implies a certain level of enjoyment that I’m not entirely comfortable with people knowing that I experienced while watching what amounted to constant emotional and physical brutality set to the tune of utterly inappropriate banjo ditties. So let’s try this again.

Read the rest of this entry »

“The Wrestler”

dir. by Darren Aronofsky

review by Dave V Burgers

I’m not going to jerk myself off in verbosity. I’m not going to impress anyone with my writing ability. I’m not going to turn this into a study of false emotional nuance and romanticism by creating things that don’t actually exist in the movie like a lot of critics do. If that’s what you are looking for go listen to NPR with a red rose sticking out of your ass.

“This is a harrowing tale of…” – umm – this is a harrowing tale of shut the fuck up!

Read the rest of this entry »

Enchanted
Disney Pictures
directed by some guy
starring Amy Adams and that guy from Can’t Buy Me Love

Really, Disney? You want to replace your manufactured but still charming childlike innocence with heavy-handed “satire”?

“Enchanted” was an attempt by Disney to make fun of its earlier masterpieces, such as “Snow White” and “Sleeping Beauty” (as well as more recent hits like “the Little Mermaid) by throwing a stereotypical fairytale princess in modern day New York City and playing off of her naivete and innocent ideas about love.  Of course the satire had to be as obvious as possible, while throwing a few winks to the parents, but obvious and funny don’t necessarily have to be mutually exclusive. Unfortunately for me, “Enchanted” presented me with many cases in which the two don’t meet.

Read the rest of this entry »

There Will Be Blood
directed by Paul Thomas Anderson
starring Daniel Day Lewis and Paul Dano

Shortly after watching There Will Be Blood, I saw an interview with the star, Daniel Day-Lewis. Imagine my shock when Day-Lewis genially answered questions rather than crushing the interviewer’s windpipe. While this turn of events has lessened my opinion of the actor, it hasn’t changed my feelings about his character, Daniel Plainview, who threatens, manipulates, and murders with such magnetic charm that I couldn’t help wishing that I would be next in line to be bitch-slapped and shoved in the mud.

Read the rest of this entry »

Fuck Disturbia
-Anonymous

The above is a scrap of paper I found on a corpse lying next to a dumpster. The body was too horribly disfigured to discern age, race, or even gender. To the average person, the letter would have had no particular meaning. But to someone who has witnessed the horrors of Disturbia, tossed restlessly, hopelessly in bed, plagued by the night terrors, and, with a trembling hand, pressed the cold barrel of a shaky gun to his temple, eyes welling with tears, determined to put an end to his suffering, the meaning of the letter was all too clear. I have postponed my suicide long enough to warn others, but I lack the strength to continue living beyond that. After this is written, I will execute myself, and join the others who had given in sooner–the lucky ones–in the afterlife. And yes, the letter was signed “anonymous” for whatever reason. Maybe that was the person’s name, geez.

Read the rest of this entry »