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Lovely Burger » tfrancis http://www.lovelyburger.com Burger is the child of the man. Thu, 19 Nov 2015 01:32:15 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.3 My Neighbor’s Parenting Skills by Sir T. Francis Burgers http://www.lovelyburger.com/?p=64 http://www.lovelyburger.com/?p=64#comments Sat, 07 Mar 2009 00:24:22 +0000 tfrancis http://www.lovelyburger.com/?p=64 Living in a city you hear a lot of things. Some of these things you hear through walls. Sometimes its a baby crying, see sometimes its Soulja Boy (an estimated 67% of the population prefer the former). Occasionally it’s lovemaking, but most of the time its screaming and fighting. Such close proximity can be frustrating at times, but I can live with this. It’s a small price to pay for being able to get stoned from merely opening a window.

Most of the fighting I overheard in the past was pretty typical stuff. A lot of the time it’s money-related, the rest of the time it’s usually just stressed-out couples misplacing their frustrations about their shitty jobs and whatnot. Living in a lower-class neighborhood this can be expected. I mean it’s really sad when you think about it. The less money you have, the more stress you deal with. The more stress you deal with, the more stressed your relationships with loved ones become. I would insert a statistic about lower income families’ divorce rates, but I already threw in the Soulja Boy/baby crying stat.
And that was hard enough to find.

So this brings us to my neighbor. I don’t know her name. I am not sure she has one. I will briefly describe the living situation in order to provide some background/reference. There is a brother and a sister, both in their early 20s. The sister has a baby boy, the brother has a knack for telling long stories. The father of the baby/boyfriend of the sister also lives there. He tells longer stories. And then there’s
their mother. I guess she’s in charge of this whole operation over there. She is the only one with a steady job and provides rent for the household, as well as food I assume (welfare covers some, but I am sure it is not much). At first glance one might be inclined to throw a few burgers her way. Okay, for the sake of objectivity, I give her
4.5/6 burgers for financial support.

However, let’s go over some of these things I have overheard during their daily screaming. Keep in mind these quotes, while not verbatim, accurately reflect the actual conversations and are in no way exaggerated. For the following dialogs, she will be referred to as Mother, and everyone else will be referred to their respective relationship to her:

Mother: “YOU ARE A LOSER.”
Son:  “WHY DO YOU GOTTA SAY STUFF LIKE THAT? THAT’S NOT NICE!”
Mother: “GET A JOB.”
Son: “I APPLIED TO LIKE 50 JOBS MOM YOU SAW ME FILL OUT THE APPLICATIONS!”
Mother: “AND YOU WON’T GET ANY OF THEM BECAUSE YOU’RE A JACKASS. YOU ARE PATHETIC!”
Son: “MOM NO ONE TALKS TO YOU LIKE THAT WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TALK TO US LIKE THAT”
Mother: “FUCK YOU. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. LOSER. LOSER. LOSER. LOSER.”
Son: “FINE”

It’s sort of strange to try and hear the child arguing reason with his mother. It just doesn’t make her look too good. And for the record, I gave the son an application to my old job I had at the time and he filled it out and handed it in. His handwriting was superb (5/6 burgers)  but his downfall was the fact he has no house phone or cell phone, so in the spot for “telephone number” on the application, he simply wrote “not at the moment” – which didn’t sit well with the Boss Man.

Okay let’s fast-forward to a few months later. This time it’s an argument involving the sister.

Mother: “YOU WANT ME TO HAVE THEM TAKE THAT BABY AWAY?”
Daughter: “MOM WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ITS A CLOVE CIGARETTE”
Mother: “YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR CHILD AGAIN. I WILL CALL THE COPS”
Daughter: “MOM IT’S LEGAL AND YOU KNOW IT”
Mother: “FUCK YOU IT’S ‘LEGAL’. I AM NOT SOME LOSER YOU CAN JUST LIE TO LIKE THAT. I AM GONNA LAUGH MY ASS OFF WHEN THEY TAKE YOUR BABY AWAY”
Daughter: “MOM STOP DON’T SAY THAT. THAT’S NOT FUNNY”
Mother: “IT’S GONNA BE FUNNY WHEN YOU’RE ON THE FLOOR CRYING LIKE A BABY CAUSE YOU’RE TOO STUPID TO RAISE A KID”
** at this point the conversation turned into mostly crying on the daughter’s part and mock laughing on the mother’s part**

Not that it even matters at this point, but I bet a thousand burgers it was actually a clove cigarette. She gets a cold 0/6 burgers for TLC.

Alright, I will close this review with a story that the sister’s boyfriend told me recently. So his girlfriend (the daughter) ended up getting a job at a local warehouse. She worked for about one month and was laid off once the economy plundered a little. She came home from work at her normal time on a Friday afternoon, crying. She told him and her mother. He hugged her and said they’d be alright (he was working too at this point), and her mother called her a “dumb bitch.”
0/6 burgers. Straight up.

Ugh I feel icky. 1.125 burgers.

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Sir Isaac: Official Burgers Cat by Sir T. Francis Burgers (12/30/08) http://www.lovelyburger.com/?p=60 http://www.lovelyburger.com/?p=60#comments Sat, 07 Mar 2009 00:19:45 +0000 tfrancis http://www.lovelyburger.com/?p=60 droppedimage2

He will not beg you for attention – he doesn’t want it. You can keep it. You will need it. He will not.
Play with your own stomach. 5.5/6 burgers

He does not get caught up in trends, cialis whether it’s:
Fashion – 6.5 years in the same orange coat,
Culinary/lifestyle – Sir Isaac does not eat your scrap. He will not succumb to the freegan trend so many have turned into
their filthy, verminous way of living,
or Social – He does not have a myspace.   5.5/6 burgers.

He does not care about this review: 5.5/6 burgers all the way around.
Meow, punk.

(editor’s note: Sir Isaac is not crap but I couldn’t decide whether he belonged more in fashionburger or cuisineburger so I put him here.)

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The Main Downstairs Entrance at Montgomery Mall by Sir T. Francis Burgers (12/23/08) http://www.lovelyburger.com/?p=55 http://www.lovelyburger.com/?p=55#comments Sat, 07 Mar 2009 00:15:58 +0000 tfrancis http://www.lovelyburger.com/?p=55 droppedimage1

Ok, see I admit it. I like making memorable entrances. But not in the Hollywood sense of the term – I don’t bust open doors and spit out a one-liner. I just like remembering where I entered. Seriously. I don’t wanna use some department store entrance to a mall. I don’t know why, I just don’t. I need an entrance that feels right, and today I found one, let’s break this down:

Location: 3/6 burgers. Only had to drive halfway around the mall to find it.

Presentation: 3/6 burgers. The lighting was archetypal at best. And some epic music to make the actual entering process seem more dramatic would have helped. However I did appreciate the lack of apparent security cameras – it reminds one of a simpler (pre-Orwellian) past.

Crowd: 4.5/6 burgers. I thankfully didn’t recall seeing Salvation Army folk at this specific entrance, and that one kid did pick up his cigarette when asked -and even gave a nice, albeit inchoate follow-up statement.
Odor: 5/6 burgers. If I knew for sure those pretzels were vegan it would be a full 6 burgers.
Proximity to Santa Claus: not applicable.

Overall Rating: 3.875/6 burgers.

Closing thoughts – I would definitely use this entrance again.

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