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Trader Joe’s Cranberry Ginger Green Tea
April 15th, 2009 by maryburgers

As a burger doctor, it’s my job and duty to evaluate healthful beverages to accompany our burger meals. My number one comfort in life is not really red meat, despite what this website would have you believe. I have always found deep respite and relaxation in a delicious cup of tea. However, “Lovelytea.com” sounds like a website for old ladies or insufferably twee young ladies, the kind who mistakenly believe that it’s not obnoxious to knit in public. Stop knitting in public, old ladies.

Ha ha just kidding. Please make me some socks. It’s the young ladies who need to stop. They are never making me some socks.

Since I am not busy pretending to knit in public, I found the time to take a break from my usual super-strong Assam to try out some Cranberry Ginger Green Tea.

I am not usually a fan of green tea unless I am at some sort of Asian cuisine establishment and it’s automatically served with my meal. I find that the interaction between the tea and the shady Chinese restaurant’s dirty cups really heightens the experience. When I’m at home, though, I always go for a variety of black tea. I totally lied in the first paragraph, that part about evaluating potential healthful beverages. I drink tea because I am an addict and because it’s kind of like drinkable dessert to me. Tea purists find my dilution of the tea with milks and sugars embarrassing, but I do not quake in the gaze of their judgment. I quake because I have too much caffeine in my system and my body shakes involuntarily. Green tea has less caffeine and is not at all like a dessert.

Having told myself I could not drink caffeine after 6 pm, though, I tasked myself with finding a tea that would not keep me up at night. Usually I will opt for a mint tea or some sort of herbal “tea”, but tonight I decided to go for the Cranberry Ginger Tea. I put ginger in everything and I find cranberry generally agreeable.

The tea bag is a lovely silk pyramid bag. It smells incredible, somehow sharp and floral at the same time. This is a bad sign, though, for those of us who are not a fan of drinking perfume.

It may have been my fault for pouring the water before it cooled down from boiling, which I usually know better than to do, but this tea was so bitter. The aftertaste makes me think of what it must taste like to chew a pesticide-laced flower.  It sits on the back of my tongue and will not go away. There is no ginger evident in the tea, either. I am pretty sure someone put potpourri in a tea bag because it smells so good but tastes like it was only made for your nose to enjoy.

This tea is a twee, knitting girl who has taken up residence on a shady park bench in my mouth and she is trying to mask her hipster bitterness with floral perfume. Also, she tells everyone she’s a redhead when she’s really brunette.

(Because redheads are gingers! Did you get it? I knew you did. I’m not being patronizing. Please come back.)

I hate hipsters. 0/6 burgers.


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