Fuck Disturbia
-Anonymous
The above is a scrap of paper I found on a corpse lying next to a dumpster. The body was too horribly disfigured to discern age, advice race, or even gender. To the average person, the letter would have had no particular meaning. But to someone who has witnessed the horrors of Disturbia, tossed restlessly, hopelessly in bed, plagued by the night terrors, and, with a trembling hand, pressed the cold barrel of a shaky gun to his temple, eyes welling with tears, determined to put an end to his suffering, the meaning of the letter was all too clear. I have postponed my suicide long enough to warn others, but I lack the strength to continue living beyond that. After this is written, I will execute myself, and join the others who had given in sooner–the lucky ones–in the afterlife. And yes, the letter was signed “anonymous†for whatever reason. Maybe that was the person’s name, geez.
Disturbia, the latest teen thriller from Dreamworks Pictures, is a modern, suburban take on Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window. Except it sucks ass. Kale Brecht (Shia LaBeouf) and his father are on their way home from a comically picturesque fishing trip when they are involved in a comically disastrous car accident in which the father dies, comically. This sets Kale on a comical path of teenage angst and rebelliousness. That is to say, he doesn’t do his Spanish homework and punches a teacher who makes fun of his dead dad. This momentous overreaction is met with a punishment of 3 months house arrest. As further punishment, mom (Carrie Anne-Moss) takes away Kale’s Xbox Live and Itunes access. Fuck you mom! With no other options for entertainment, Kale takes up the hobby of spying on his neighbors, giving special attention to a hot chick (Sarah Roemer), and a man he suspects to be a dangerous serial killer (David Morse), with the hot chick getting the lion’s share of that attention, obviously. Thus the stage is set for a heart-pounding, action-packed thriller, or a movie where a kid builds a tower out of twinkies and beats off while spying on the girl-next-door™.
Now given this setup, take 60 seconds to imagine how this movie might play out from start to finish. I’ll wait.
Ok, got it? Congratulations, you’ve seen Disturbia! It’s predictable. It’s boring. It’s like having a peanut-butter sandwich rammed into your eye sockets, and then the peanut butter takes on sentience and corrupts you from the inside out, making you into a human shaped peanut butter sandwich, as bland and boring as it once was. Just trying to make this review non-boring was a Herculean task, and I still failed anyways. Confession time. I have been working on this review for 3 weeks! Look at it! This review sucks! I would give this movie 1 out of 6 burgers, but by allowing it the full potential of 6 burgers I’m already giving it too much credit. It gets 0 out of 1 possible Disturbia burger, for being somehow shittier than itself. Fuck Disturbia.
