Enchanted
Disney Pictures
directed by some guy
starring Amy Adams and that guy from Can’t Buy Me Love
Really, store Disney? You want to replace your manufactured but still charming childlike innocence with heavy-handed “satire”?
“Enchanted” was an attempt by Disney to make fun of its earlier masterpieces, health such as “Snow White” and “Sleeping Beauty” (as well as more recent hits like “the Little Mermaid) by throwing a stereotypical fairytale princess in modern day New York City and playing off of her naivete and innocent ideas about love. Of course the satire had to be as obvious as possible, seek while throwing a few winks to the parents, but obvious and funny don’t necessarily have to be mutually exclusive. Unfortunately for me, “Enchanted” presented me with many cases in which the two don’t meet.
The songs are the most grating example of this. The opening song, whose name I can’t remember but has something do with making out I guess, supposedly riffs on “Someday My Prince Will Come” from Snow White and “Once Upon A Dream” from Sleeping Beauty, but the music is so incredibly annoying. Propping up a half-trained hottie to sing the most inane lyrics in Disney history is unfair mockery of the music to which Disney once showed totally due reverence.
“I’ve been dreaming of a true love’s kiss
And a prince I’m hoping comes with this
That’s what brings everaftering so happy
And that’s the reason we need lips so much”
You know what’s funny about those lyrics? Nothing!
Not only that, Susan Sarandon (what the fuck, Janet Weiss?) makes a surprisingly pathetic villain, with a really dumb, inexplicable motive and dialogue less menacing than the lyrics to the Meow Mix song.
Let’s compare motives:
Maleficent: Didn’t get invited to Aurora’s birthday bash
Why this is awesome: It’s just a reason for her to be evil and give the best prank birthday gift ever
the Queen in Snow White: Snow White was prettier than her
Why this is awesome: Every girl knows that vanity is a perfectly good reason to choke a bitch. Or poison her with an apple.
the Huns: Want to take control of China.
Why this is awesome: Historically accurate!
Queen Nerissa: Giselle wanted to steal her throne?
Why this is not awesome: It came out of nowhere! We can assume that Andalasia doesn’t have a system that as soon as the Prince gets married, the Queen magically gets booted off the throne. ALL of the Disney villains have kind of half-assed reasons to be vengeful, but at least they had a legitimate source for their vengeance.
Of all the songs, “That’s How You Know” is probably the least offensive, and its accompanying dance sequence is actually pretty cute. However, that one fucking contemporary ballad and that disgusting Carrie Underwear song at the end contribute pretty heavily to the fact that Enchanted has one of the worst scores in Disney history.
The thing that makes Disney movies pre-1997 so appealing is that they strive to be endearing, fanciful, and whimsical. I don’t want to see a fairy-tale through an adult’s cynical eyes. Cynicism is boring. Adults are boring. The guy with the Dr. Katz voice from that one doctor-y TV show is boring. Amy Adams is hot and an ok singer, but boring. Boring is one of the worst things a movie, especially one aimed at children, can be.
The ending is implausible, but not in a fairy-tale way where you’d want your life to be that way in your deepest 10-year-old girl fantasies. Idina Menzel gets married to Hot, Stupid Prince and Giselle and Whatshisface live happily ever after in the real New York City. BORING.
More than just an insult to all viewers’ intelligence, whether they be the intended audience of 4-12 year olds or the parents of 4-12 year olds, the biggest disappointment is that they could have done a lot with that premise and the cast. When I saw the previews for “Enchanted”, I was pretty excited about it. The idea of a Disney character coming to life in New York City could have been really funny, but you can only use the “And THEN she gets stuck in New York traffic and the New Yorkers are rude!” joke so many times.
I am fairly sure that to celebrate the release of this movie, everyone involved in its production took a big, sour piss on Walt Disney’s grave, one by one.
And I hated that fucking squirrel.
1.5 out of 6 burgers.
