Late Night Allnighter Cheeseburger Doritos
by Constable Aaron Burgers, author of “Shnoo the Hell Is Going On Hnaa”
Choosing snacks is a big deal to me. On the one hand, I have an adventurous, some would say reckless, mouth-hole and I like to try new things. On the other hand, there is nothing worse than getting home only to learn that your new snack is gross, and you have to eat it all anyway because you don’t want to be a wasteful jerk. I’m personally partial to multi-tasking snacks, such as those wasabi-coated peanuts that are delicious and cure sinus infections, or pork rinds, which are delicious and also a potent anti-hangover agent (trust me). It was this partiality that led me to make a horribly, horribly inaccurate prediction: “Even if these cheeseburger flavored Doritos are gross, at least I can review them for Maryburger’s website.”
This prediction was wildly inaccurate because yes, they are gross, but no, I can’t properly review them for Maryburger’s website. They are so gross that the only way I could accurately describe them is to use such a constant stream of profanity and genital-related metaphors that, should Maryburger, her moms, or any of her mean ole sisters read it, I would never again be invited into the burger household. Even if I could use every obscene and filthy simile in my arsenal, I’m not sure I’d really be able to convey how I feel about these so-called chips.
I guess technically they’re called All Nighter Late Night Cheeseburger Doritos, or some damn thing, which clearly means that the Dorito’s people are in some sort of adjective arms race with the people that make Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper.
This is one of many Dorito “Late Night” flavors, such as Jalapeno Cat Poop and Xtreme Hobo Vomit. None of them are good, partially because they haven’t made the most obvious one (mozzarella stick Doritos.)
These abominations are called “Late Night” to confuse people with an inaccurate understanding of cause and effect: These chips are called “Late Night.” Parties generally occur late at night. Therefore, these chips must be a party. What these poor devils forget is that, yes, there are many parties late at night, however, at many of these parties, someone drinks too much and pees in your closet. And when you’re eating Doritos, your closet is your mouth. Eating cheeseburger Doritos is like having someone pee in your mouth, only worse, because you can’t videotape it and turn it into a meme.
Before I talk about flavor, I guess I should mention some of the things that cheeseburger Doritos do right. For instance… they come in a bag? Which is pretty good, but sort of de rigeur for snacks these days. But the bag sure does hold them in there, I guess. And they have that same general Dorito texture, that sort of deep fried corn paste that cracks open your fillings. So A++ for that.
Anyway. Onto the taste. What would a cheeseburger flavored chip taste like, I hear you ask? Cheese? Burger? I can see why you would think that, you ignoramus. Oh no. Cheeseburger chips taste like pickles. When I say that they taste like pickles, this might seem like a good thing, since pickles are pretty awesome. Except that these are chips, and chips should not taste like pickles. Especially if they’re advertised as tasting like burgers.
Normally, pickles are made by putting cucumbers in brine and letting them cure. I assume that the Doritos people tried putting these pickles on chips and it didn’t work. So instead they took some cucumbers and shoved them inside the gall bladders of leperous walruses, and those worked out fine. Because when I say that these chips taste like pickles, what I mean is that these chips taste like pickles that were brined inside the urinary tract of diseased Arctic fatslugs.
I should also mention that if you are a human being and you eat these, the suffering will not end at the taste. During my ‘research’ for this ‘article’ I ate a bag over the course of four days. That means that, for four days, I didn’t poop correctly. Because of these cheeseburger Doritos, I gained seven pounds in less than a week. I lost those seven pounds in less than two minutes.
Suffice it to say that these things are the worst. Eating Late Night All Nighter Cheeseburger Doritos is like someone urinating in your mouth, and their urine tastes like fresh-from-the-walrus pickles. They get one half of one burgers out of a possible six, and if anyone ever tells you they are good, they are probably a plumber that is trying to drum up business by tricking you into wrecking your toilet.
1/2 out of 6 burgers
