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Guest review!: American Star Waffles by Robert Alan Bellosiburger
Jun 14th, 2011 by maryburgers

American Star

North Wales, sickness PA

 

Preface to an Ode
-Robert Alan B.

I promised to leave in all tangents, supportive and otherwise. Upon reading I hope your imagination will actively reinforce all weak clauses, negate grammatical errors and detect an inexplicable lemon-fresh scent which you will find puzzling – but pleasant.
Enjoy.

Ode to a Waffle
-R. Alan Bellosi

At the behest of an engaging creature, I have endeavored to critique a waffle. The first obstacle I encounter is the stark realization that critiques are in fact not of an object but an introspective for the observer, whereby I’ll reveal nothing about a waffle but everything about myself. It is my impression of a waffle. Ultimately, it is the reader who must decide whether I enjoyed a diner house waffle with an attractive, captivating woman or, in a deranged state: consumed a dumpster-gym-sock behind a diner in the company of a toothless crack-slag, possibly wielding a penis. Diners are horribly patriotic places. They are encrusted in homeland colors with mascot depictions of anthropomorphic eagles drinking whiskey and driving pick-up trucks. It is in this setting that I encounter a Belgian Waffle.

The waffle batter is a composite of bleached flour, mammal lactation, poultry ovulation and baking soda, with trace amounts of insects and other unappetizing anomalies of processing. This batter is then poured over a rotund bi-fold grill with cubic indentations where it is oxidized. The cubic indentations create exquisite little pockets for holding maple flavored corn syrup and whipped butter. On the side there are hermetically sealed packets of maple-masquerade syrup, and
hermetically sealed and pasteurized packets of synthetic fruit flavored mush derived from used condoms and tar, presumably.  These are entirely unnecessary however, as the waffle comes with a choice of real fruit, forged in the soil of the earth.

I chose banana (or in Espanola: “banana”) and my lovely dining companion chose blueberry. The banana reserves had been poorly inventoried and had been depleted; despondently, I digressed into a strawberry consolation. The Waffles arrived; like consoling-Visine for waffle-longing eyes they were.  Gorgeous dollops of Whipped cream, confectioned sugar –biutiful powder strewn about like superfluous stripper-bait cocaine at a slick-ass executive soiree… and the taste?  It’s a waffle covered in syrup, whipped butter, whipped cream and confection sugar. How the fuck you think it tasted? It was like a mouth full of hot sex.

I consumed ¾ or 75% of my waffle serving, most academic grading standards would grant me a solid “C” for this achievement; I however received and an “F” for my efforts. I sympathize with this jeering
because it is a devastating waste when one reflects on the many-many hands it takes for a fully prepared waffle to get to one’s plate. The briefest of summaries involves a lengthy and very involved
relationship with live stock, taxes, human resource departments, farming, immigration, taxes, fuel, oil, war, stock exchange, prostitutes, scumbag politicians, more taxes, unions, product packaging, graphic designers, a manager to do coke in the office, more prostitutes, employing diner staff including servers and cooks, another manager to do coke in the office, drug cartels, coke mules,
more taxes, stocking deliveries, prep work, electricity and so on. It is an abundantly elaborate orchestration utilizing the entire world economy just so some skinny bastard can eat ¾ of a waffle.
This was a very memorable waffle. The experience left me in a euphoric state of awe and on the cusp of insulin shock; all plans of murdering my recently acquainted companion had been dissolved.

American Star Diner: Turkey Burger Deluxe by Commodore Xiane F. Burgers (9/18/06)
Mar 6th, 2009 by maryburgers

American Star Diner in Lansdale, store PA
Turkey Burger Deluxe – $6.75

I’ve once before ordered a turkey burger in a diner, healing and was disappointed, but I figured I’d try again at American Star because you just have to trust something that is so American.

I thought about ordering a milkshake but I realized I was going to eat some burger and fries and could not also eat a milkshake. I know that I ate burger, fries, milkshake and cake at the same time regularly from 2002 to 2004.  I will remember September 17, 2006 forever as the day I acknowledged defeat after a two-year battle waged by the combined forces of every kind of fat. I just can’t cram them all in any more. I apologize to the readers of lovelyburger.com.

Read the rest of this entry »

American Star Diner: Cheddar Cheese and Mushroom Burger by Dr. Mary T. Burgers (9/17/06)
Mar 6th, 2009 by maryburgers

American Star Diner in North Wales, discount PA
Cheddar Cheese and Mushroom Burger- $4.50

After a disappointing trip to the Blue Bell Diner where we learned that it is under new management, management that LIES about the hours of the establishment without remorse or apology, we headed to to the American Star.

Our waiter was checking out my sister. That’s sleazy. Also, he didn’t ask us how we wanted our burgers cooked. So for service that’s a 2 out of 6 burgers.

The burger itself had melty cheese, but I expected to be a sharper cheddar. It didn’t say on the menu that it’d be sharp but we all know sharp cheddar is the only cheddar worth having. It was cooked well enough and it came with lettuce, onions, and tomatoes on the side. I thought I liked the fries but then I thought, “This must be like what human fat tastes like” because it was so over-fried and greasy. That wasn’t a rational thought, but after that I couldn’t finish my burger.

The mushrooms were really good.
I give the burger 3 out of 6 burgers.

American Star Diner: California Burger Deluxe by Rev Evelyn G. Burgers (9/17/06)
Mar 6th, 2009 by evelyn

American Star Diner in North Wales, mind PA
California Burger Deluxe – $ 6.45

I didn’t know what the difference between a normal burger and a California burger was when I ordered it, ambulance because there was no description.  I figured I would allow myself to be surprised, in the spirit of burgers.  Medium mistake!  I’m pretty sure the California Burger Deluxe is the most expensive burger on the menu unless you get one with like every topping, but all the California Burger Deluxe is is a normal burger with one slice of green pepper, plus all the normal burger vegetable toppings (lettuce, tomato, onion).  The normal burger there is obviously of the frozen patty variety, in the shape of a flower, or the shape of something in a cartoon that has been flattened and splattered, or the shape of a thought bubble.  The waiter didn’t ask us how we wanted our burgers done, so they were generically cooked-grey all the way through.  It wasn’t bad though.  It was a burger.  And the roll was pretty good.  The fries there are pretty good even though they are also obviously of the frozen variety.  They’re battered, and crispy on the outside and nice and fluffy on the inside.  Ok, but even with the good roll, good fries, and decent size of the burger, why is this meal six and a half dollars, making it like 2 dollars more than the other burgers?!  A slice of green pepper.  If I were a different kind of crazy person, I would have refused to pay that much.

2/6 burgers.

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